Aight so here's the deal, this is probably gonna be pretty long. I feel like I have a lot to say on the subject.
I will also be typing as though everything I'm saying is fact cause I just ain't got the TIME to preface every sentence with "in my experience, I feel as if." Do not assume that I'm objectively correct. I'm just some kid who's been going through some self-discovery lately.
I am not a doctor.Also, this is probably gonna seem pretty familiar to Joey if he's managed to keep his attention span on track long enough to get this far, I talked to him about this the other day when we were havin' some Brotherly Realtalk.
Right, so anyway, back on topic. From what others have told me, from what I've discovered, and from how I feel personally, if someone delves into their own mind enough, goes through enough self-exploration, matures enough, or even just grows up in the right environment, sooner or later, they'll realize that they are the most important person in their own life. This is something I was told a LOT while I was depressed.
"Take care of yourself first."
"Make sure your safety and well-being is your top priority."
"You matter most, make sure you're doing great before you worry about ANYONE else!"I couldn't do that at the time. I felt it too selfish. I had to be perfect, had to be as selfless as possible, as humble as I could manage, and that meant ignoring my own needs, I thought. I didn't put it like that when thinking about it or talking to others about it, of course, I never said "That's too selfish, I can't treat myself well," even though that's effectively what I believed. Maybe deep down I knew how ridiculous it was and so I never put it in terms like that. But through some recent events, mainly the ending of a pretty lengthy relationship, I've realized that taking care of myself--making my own well-being priority #1--is not only not selfish, I'd go as far as to call it
selfless.I'm gonna talk about my relationship here for a sec, because I feel like this needs a bit of context. It was my first real relationship, if you consider LDRs to be "real." Plenty of mutual attractions that never went anywhere, but this was the first that seemed solid enough to make me go "y'know, even with the distance, I want to try to make this work." I can honestly say that, at first, when I was with her, it was the first time since I was 11 or 12 that I felt like
enough. I didn't have to be more. She didn't need me to comfort her over problems that were way over my head. I didn't need to be smarter, fitter, more witty or clever or kind. Unfortunately, this lead to me seeking solace in her. She was my Happy Place, my Safe Zone. True, I didn't feel like I had to be better than I was, but I still had a lot of emotional problems. I was still sad a lot. And because she made me feel so special, she was who I went to every time I needed help. This is fine when it's mutual, or in moderation, but it quickly became a dependency.
This is the problem with people who hate themselves. No matter how much they punish themselves or abuse themselves
they still want to feel good and be treated well. If they can't get that from themselves,
they'll seek it from other people. And when they aren't even in control of their emotions enough to take care of themselves, there's no way they can take care of another person. It becomes dependency. It becomes a one-sided relationship. It becomes incredibly unhealthy and stressful. This is why people say
"You have to love yourself before you can love others." They don't mean you're literally incapable of it. I loved her. Hell, I'll go as far as to say I was in love with her. But I wasn't able to return what she was giving me. I wasn't healthy enough for it. I couldn't love me, and so I couldn't keep up my "side" of the relationship, if that makes sense. I couldn't love her the way she loved me.
And, as with almost all toxic and unhealthy relationships that don't end violently, she couldn't bear it anymore and broke it off after a little over 13 months. I can't blame her, and wouldn't even if I was capable--it was, again, hella unhealthy. I was crushed. Not ashamed to admit I cried for hours. Hard. Cried until I dehydrated myself and my tongue started sticking to the roof of my mouth. But eventually I got tired of that. And I guess sooner or later I arrived at the conclusion that I had a choice. Well, that's not quite true, I didn't see it as a choice. I took the actions I did to protect myself. In hindsight though, there were more or less two options; I could either wait for some other poor bastard to come along and be my "hero" and lift me up when I felt like shit without being able to address the underlying problems, and milk them of every bit of patience and caring, like I had with her, or I could choose to be my own "hero." I could choose to try my damnedest to address my problems--my ACTUAL problems, not "I feel sad again"--and overcome them. I could choose to love myself, even if no one else would, so that I wouldn't have to rely on another's praise and approval to feel worthy of the space I occupied.
Obviously, I chose the latter(although like I said, it was somewhat of a defense mechanism). I saw a doctor. Got medicine for my brain; nothing drastic, just a low-dose SSRI. But it was enough to give me the boost I needed to take the first step. I did what I'd seen posts about self-love and recovery suggest(you can look some up for yourself, if you want/need, I don't have any specific ones to recommend). I stopped insulting myself, wouldn't let myself say a bad word about me. I stopped pinching and prodding at my scars and fat rolls. As silly as it sounds, I caressed them instead, when I felt like it, because damn it, it feels good to have your skin stroked, and I
deserve to feel good. I stopped frowning and cursing at my physical flaws, because they're still a part of me, and that makes them special. My personality flaws, I stopped abusing myself over. I told myself I could overcome them, that they didn't define me, that I was
so much more than my flaws, and that, while that didn't make them okay, it did make
me okay. I could get better. I could work on reducing my flaws--I didn't have to be a great person overnight, self-change is a process. Basically,
I treated myself like I would treat someone very special to me.I don't think I believed my justifications at first. I felt silly, running my fingertips over my belly. I didn't really like the extra weight, even though I told myself it was special because it was part of me. But I kept doing it. I needed to be my own friend, my own loved one, and so I went through the motions. I thought about the self-love/recovery thing a lot, and still do, and came to realize that it's incredibly important, as lame as it sounds, to have that kind of relationship with yourself. You ARE the most important person in your life, and no one will ever be there for you as much as you will. You have to treat yourself appropriately. Treat yourself like you'd treat the most important, special person in your life, and then treat yourself even better if possible, because you're even more important than they are(I know there's no way of phrasing that that doesn't sound conceited as fuck, but I promise my position isn't conceit). I know for fact you wouldn't put up with someone calling your lover a fat ugly fuck, so why is it okay for you to do it to yourself? You wouldn't tolerate someone screaming in your best friend's face over a mistake they made, insulting them endlessly for it, so why do you allow yourself to do it to you? You deserve your love.
I'm not saying to put your every whim above everyone else. That actually is selfish. If there's one slice of pizza left and you and your friend both want it, it's cool to give it to them. But
your health--both mental and physical--and well-being must ALWAYS come first. If you haven't eaten in two days and your stomach is started to digest itself, and someone who just ate four slices wants the last piece of pizza, fuck them, you need it more.
That's a stupid example because I was just rolling with my previous one, but the point is more or less there.
If someone's actively being harmful to you,
cut them out of your life. You deserve better and it's not worth your time to voluntarily fuck around with people who don't make you feel great. You're better than chasing after someone who won't even give you the time of day.
If someone can't be bothered to treat you with the basic respect that you should expect in interactions with other humans,
fuck them. Not literally, you deserve to have sex with good people, but, you know. Ditch them.
Make yourself feel good all the time. If you're hungry, eat until you're content. Do what makes you happy(within legal boundaries), regardless of what others think. Let yourself heal when you're hurt, don't berate yourself further. And caress the physical flaws you think you have--it really does help. Life is entirely too fucking short to live it for other people and their expectations of you. Do what makes you feel great, because you are.
And in doing so, you open yourself up to truly be able to love and be there for other people, to return every bit of the help they give you. Once you're self-sufficient, once you don't
need other people to tell you you're worthy of existence, you're able to give so much more to others. And that's why I say that taking care of yourself above everything else is a very selfless act.
I realize that me just saying all this won't change your opinion of yourself, if it's a negative one. And if you don't think you can change your opinion of yourself on your own, I encourage and implore you to seek the help you need to come to love yourself. Therapy, medication, whatever it may be. Please.
And, in closing, if I had to choose between the two extremes, being a suicidal mess who can't even fathom putting himself above anyone else, or being a huge douchebag with my head so far up my ass I can smell my own breath? I'd choose being the douchebag, and I'd encourage you to do the same.
Required watching.